Alison’s Guide to Faux Pussies

I may be a woman, but I’ve shoved my hands into enough fake vaginae (and read enough angry customer service emails and reviews at said fake vag purveyer) to know a lot more than a picture can convey to you about what these products are like. I also happen to know how to care for them so they don’t disintegrate or smell like burning tires, as well as some tips for purchasing better-quality products.

There are a few different types of pussy-like toys out there for men (commonly called “masturbators”) and knowing the difference between them can save you some time and money.

Plain Jelly Sleeves

fresh and pure stroker tThese are the cheapest types of sleeve-style masturbators and are essentially a tube of squishy jelly-like material with a hole in the middle. Sometimes they are ribbed or have “ticklers” inside and come in a variety of shapes (pussies and flowers are most common – go figure).

There are a few issues with these toys to be aware of:
1. They often smell very strongly of plastic/chemicals when they come out of the box (and after you wash them).
2. The size of the toy makes a huge difference in how useful it is. Some are as small as 3″ and they really aren’t good for anything. If you make sure that the toy is as at least as big as your dick, you’ll be much happier.
3. The holes in these things are very small. For some, this provides a welcome amount of pressure; for others, it’s uncomfortable.
4. You should really only use water-based lubricants with these toys (Astroglide, Wet, ID, etc). Silicone and oil-based lubes can interact with these things and break down the material.
5. Keep these in a box or bag when you’re done with them. They can stain other items if they’re left in contact for a while.


Fancier Jelly Sleeves

sydnee steele beaded masturbator tOne complaint I’ve heard about jelly masturbators is that they’re not textured enough to be satisfying. These toys incorporate beads into the design to add that extra bit of stimulation, controllable by the tightness of your grip. Judging by how ridiculously well they sold as soon as they came on the market, I imagine this represents a positive innovation in these toys.

Jelly toys, in general are slippery when wet and can be tough to keep a hold of if your hands have any lube on them whatsoever. Have a towel handy for post-lube traction (and whatever else you may need a towel for in that moment).

“Realistic” Skin Sleeves

mckenzie lee pocket pussy tA step up from the jelly toys (in some ways) are the masturbators made from a material that feels roughly like actual skin. This material has a lot of brand names: CyberSkin, UR3, Futurotic, etc. All in all, there’s no real advantage to any of those brands over any other if the toy was designed after the year 2003 or so (be careful, classic star fans).

These toys are pretty much without exception shaped like pussies, asses or mouths, at least at one end. They also include vibrating eggs much of the time. Perhaps you put these into the end of the sleeve (I’ve never been totally sure).

I lump the ever-popular Fleshlight in with these toys. The care and cleaning of them are all basically the same: use water-based lube, wash with mild soap, air dry or pat with a towel, store them apart from other toys. You can buy special powder that claims to keep them feeling just like new, but I don’t think it’s necessary.

Medium-sized Realistic Pussies

jenna hazes cyberskin pussy and ass tFor folks who like their toys to be a little more substantial, there are medium-sized fake pussies out there that can generally be sat upon a bed or counter and used (assuming the surface is the right height).

These toys are generally molded after a pornstar’s netherparts, come with vibrating eggs and often offer more than one orifice for your pleasure. These toys can be had for under $50 in many cases, but you do get what you pay for with this type of pussy.

Large Realistic Pussies

cassidy pussy and anus tIf you have the means and the privacy, my advice is go big. In general, these toys are molded directly from pornstars and are sized nearly realistically. As long as you don’t mind the weirdness of a disembodied pelvic area, these are the best masturbators you can buy, primarily because they are so big.

Again, stick with toys designed in the last 5 years or so if you want an optimal experience. This isn’t as much a problem for the medium-sized pussies because they are a recent invention, but these large molded genitalia have been around for a while and the older models have none of the softness that the new ones have.

Care for them is not as easy as with a sleeve. They don’t turn inside out, so you sometimes have to hold them up to a faucet to fully clean them out.

As always, if you have a personal point of view to share or want to ask a question, please go ahead and make a comment below!

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21 Responses to “Alison’s Guide to Faux Pussies”

  1. ropeadope Says:

    Hi Alison,

    Thank you for the interesting article and analysis. Wow, what a smorgasbord of toys. Choosing one seems almost as complicated as purchasing a new car. You wrote (under realistic skin sleeves):

    They also include vibrating eggs much of the time. Perhaps you put these into the end of the sleeve.

    Perhaps. Or perhaps you put them into the end of the user. Rear end, that is. So if using the Fleshlight in a sitting position, you have stimulation from atop and below.

    Of course, I have no hands-on experience with any of these devices, so I’m just speculating. I’m still using my old Hoover vacuum cleaner. It wasn’t designed in the past five years, but seems to get the job done.

  2. alison Says:

    Hey Rope,

    I really do hope folks aren’t putting vibrating eggs in their “ends.” That’s a *great* way to end up in the ER. The cords on those things are thin and easy to break, so the eggs can become stuck and very hard to remove without the assistance of a trained medical professional.

    So, for anyone who’s thinking about putting a vibrating egg up your ass: It’s a really really bad idea to put anything without a flared base or long handle in there. The chance of humiliation (and possibly pain) ensuing is far too high.

    Hoover seemingly got it right the first time ;)

  3. ropeadope Says:

    Alison, you truly are the “Voice of Reason.” I wasn’t even aware the vibrating eggs came with attached cords (thin or otherwise). I just figured, pop it in, pop it back out. But now that you mention it, I’ve heard of people showing up at the ER with all sorts of paraphernalia stuck in their rectums. I guess stuff goes in easier than it comes out.*

    Reminder to self: Always check with Alison before embarking upon any questionable adventures. Just in the past week you warned me off twelve year old condoms and now saved me a potential journey down the road to the ER. Many thanks.

    *Don’t know if you’ve been following Curb Your Enthusiasm on HBO this season. Last week Jerry tells Larry, “Never give Jason Alexander (George) anything that can be inserted.” Larry was upset that the pen he loaned to Jason found its way into Jason’s mouth and ear. Not his ass though, which Jason was quick to point out to Larry.

  4. the content dude Says:

    Rope, the ‘9 year old pussy rash’ bit was genius.

  5. ropeadope Says:

    Hi Content Dude,

    Agreed. I hesitated to make mention of that subplot, as I’m not sure how it will be resolved. Last episode ended with Larry on the verge of possible arrest (at least the police were about to be notified). It must turn out to be the girl’s pussycat, right? What mother uses that type of language referring to her nine year old daughter? All will be revealed tomorrow night.

  6. G man Says:

    I find this subject quite fascinating. And Alison’s blog entry is probably one of the more useful bits of consumer advice I have viddied in a while. It makes me reflect on my own experiences with sex toys:

    It really pisses me off to think about how many ridiculously poor sex toys that are sold every day to the public. And at equally ridiculous prices. If you visit a sex shop for the first time you are about 95 % likely to get ripped off … at best. If you are a really experienced shopper you may make a good purchase one time out of three. The basic problem is that the industry is filled with people who are in it for the dosh and who couldn’t care less about customer satisfaction. And most people are too embarrassed to complain about sex toys that don’t deliver what they promise.

    For the less experienced purchaser of sex toys I suggest paying attention to the following key points:

    1) If it’s made in CHINA leave it on the shelf. (There may be exceptions to this rule but I have yet to discover any.)
    2) TALK with the clerk in the store. This may feel uncomfortable or embarrassing to some the first time or two – but many of the people who work in sex shops are genuinely helpful … and they have heard all the questions before and truly won’t be shocked or offended. They are one of your best bets with regard to finding the product that will get you what you need.
    3) Get the product UNPACKED. In any good sex shop the staff will open the package for you and let you get a closer look and feel. If this is not the case you are in the wrong shop … leave!
    4) LOOK at the product. I mean really look at it. Forget the picture of the busty lass wiggling her saucy bits in your direction. You won’t get to play with her anyway. So look at the product and consider if is looks sturdy and durable. And practical and comfortable? Are there sharp edges sticking out? Does it look easy to clean?
    5) SMELL the product. A heavy rubber or plastic smell is likely to remain. This may be a turn-on for some but for most of us it detracts from the overall experience.
    6) FEEL the product. If it feels uncomfortable it will be. If it feels like it may easily break it will. If the product has any vibrating parts ask to have batteries put in so that you may judge the “power” and noise level.
    7) Trust the GAY MEN. If you are looking for anal toys, cock rings or anything else that is common in the gay community you are far more likely to find a quality product in a gay sex shop. And you won’t catch “gayness” … promise.
    8 ) If you are buying something with the intent of using it together with a PARTNER then you are far better of involving that person in the process (buying it together or at least discussing your needs and (dis)likes before you go to the sex shop). You may find that your wife shudders at the idea of a huge plug in her rectum – but is open to the idea of a slimline anal vibrator.
    9) Don’t OVERPURCHASE. If you get carried away and leave the sex shop with 17 products most of them probably won’t satisfy. Buy a few items … and learn from your experiences. Which materials, functionalities and sensations work for you? And make further purchases based on that.
    10) Search the INTERNET for the reviews and recommendations of other people. If it works for Terry in Tallahassee and Mildred in Milwaukee there is a fair chance it will also do the trick for you. This can also be a good source for inspiration with regard to trying out things you hadn’t considered before.
    11) Buy stuff ONLINE. Some of the best producers of sex toys are very small businesses run by people who are just as horny as yourself and who have developed the types of products that they have been frustrated about not having been able to find in sex shops themselves. These manufactures are often in the pricier end of the scale – but they generally provide far more bang for the buck. Look at the products online – but also at the descriptions of the materials and processes that are involved and at the description of the business philosophy. If you are onto a serious quality manufacturer it will generally shine through.
    12) Treat the purchase of sex toys as you would the purchase of any other type of consumer goods. Use your head (also the one on the top of your body) … ask questions … examine the goods … be critical … learn from your experiences.

    Happy playing!
    G man

  7. Rael Says:

    Allison, don’t you DARE ever tell me what not to stick up my ass!

    And I’ve always wondered, why is it that sex toys for males is seen as a such a taboo, while sex toys for women, while still seen as taboos, aren’t seen in such an extreme light. It’s almost like if a guy has one, he’s a perv or sex addict, but if a woman has one, it’s pretty much normal. Maybe I’m off-base with this thinking, but how many shows/movies are there that show the female character (usually a protagonist) with a vibrator/dildo and it isn’t given a second thought, but when I guy is shown with a sex toy (an extremely rare occasion) he is portrayed as a loon, and it is usually one of those blow up dolls that I wouldn’t use if someone payed me.

  8. professorjizz Says:

    Do I smell a Fleshlight-VideoBox package deal in the works?

    - Big fan of both and owner of not one, but three Fleshlights (Mocha Mouth, Mocha Anuus, and Mocha Vageen). Not a shill for Fleshlight, but definitely the best product with which to enjoy the many fine vids on VB ;)

  9. Bronty Says:

    If I’m on my own and feeling horny, I pull my TENS unit out. Hands-free, intense experience. Beats sleeves/masturbators, in my view.

  10. HotScooter2 Says:

    Rope:

    i have been visualizing the idea of you getting your crotch stuck in the hoover. but you don’t realize it right away. then you get to a big super Walmart,and some kids tell their ma .”hey ma look at the man he has a vacuum cleaner,attached to his dick”
    Can’t help myself had to tease you about it . to be honest i do find the whole subject extremely funny. and can you imagine it if you had to go to ER for not being able to get the damn thing off. bet you would be the first patient ever been there with that one.and don’t forget to check expiration dates for vacuum bags.i’m just fucking with you on that one i don’t think they have expiration dates.
    but best to ask our fearless leader Alison about that. she is the guru of expiration dates

  11. Howard Says:

    @Rael yeah I think there is some kind of stigma attached. I’d love to try out the rude boy male g spot device, but I think if anyone rifled through my things and found it they would assume I’m gay!
    I have a fleshlight and it’s ridiculously good. Main problem is the fact I share a house with relatives who never go anywhere so I don’t get a chance to use it very often.

  12. Mihx Says:

    Spurred on by this blog post I just ordered a Cyberskin “The Perfect Ass” (which seems to be getting rave reviews on the online stores I checked out that had customer reviews).
    I’ve owned a Fleshlight before but only really bothered using it on rare occasions, but given the price tag on this new thing I guess I better do now :) .
    The price in the US is around $250 – you don’t even want to know how much they charge for it here in Denmark. It sure as hell better be as good as the reviews suggest – it’s costing me two trips to a decent hooker :p.

  13. alison Says:

    G Man – Thank you for the awesome addition to the post. I agree with every single one of your recommendations and I hope other people will take the time to read them.

    Rael – Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

    professorjizz – That would be great product synergy, wouldn’t it? :)

    Bronty – I’ve never heard of using a TENS unit, but it makes sense. Any tips for other folks who might be interested in the technique?

    Howard – I obviously can’t say from personal experience, but I’ve heard that any kind of male g-spot/prostate massagers can be really great and very intense.

    Mihx – Congrats on your new acquisition. It looks like a really good choice. It’s way more realistic-looking than a lot of the ones I’ve seen. I hope it works out!

  14. vaidx41 Says:

    @ Bronty

    TENS machine? How does that work? Sounds painful. obviously you don’t turn the voltage up too high but what else do you do with it, where do you put it??? Genuinely interested.

  15. vaidx41 Says:

    @ Alison

    What do you think he means. How do you see this TENS method working?

  16. Bronty Says:

    This could be fun… Alison & the VB team: Would you consider a guest blog post?

  17. brushman Says:

    So, What has happened to the finishers blog? I know it is time intensive,but I feel very well worthy of this blog.maybe content guy would have more time to produce this ? I don`t know . I do know that alison and also rope have a pretty good hang of it. Maybe Videobox should alot some cash towards this venture.Im sure the membership would approve.

  18. Strangepork Says:

    I have a Fleshlight as well as a “Large Realistic Pussy” that looks nearly identical to the one pictured. They both live in a cardboard box in my closet, and rarely see the light of day. I say nothing (aside from actual female companionship) beats the good old fashioned hand for control, variety of sensation, and ease of cleanup.

  19. alison Says:

    vaidx41 – I did a little research and it looks like these things can be inserted inside the urethra and send electrical pulses that can be pleasurable. It’d be great if Bronty could do a guest post explaining the technique; but if not, there are things called “sounds” that are made for this particular purpose that I’d probably recommend checking out if the idea intrigues you.

    Bronty – Absolutely! Is the email you entered in order to comment a good way to get in touch?

    brushman – Unfortunately, the content probably wouldn’t be able to do it, but I’ll talk to him and see if there’s something his staff can put together.

    Strangepork – Thanks for sharing your experience. Toys like these definitely aren’t for everyone, so I’m glad you pointed out that they are sometimes inferior to taking matters into your own hands.

  20. Bronty Says:

    Yep! You can reach me here.

  21. ropeadope Says:

    @ HotScooter2 – Yes, that was me at the Wal-Mart in Chattanooga on Cummings. Were you there at the time? Once I realized I was still attached to the Hoover, I ducked into a changing room and made the necessary adjustments. Had to pay for the damn hose a second time as I couldn’t produce a receipt.

    Lol, I would do a home amputation before showing up at the ER in that condition.