Best of the Worst Titles Redux

In December ‘09, I did a post about the best of the best awful porn titles on VideoBox. Since that time, Porn Valley has continued its fine naming tradition and we’ve continued to post movies with ridiculous titles – some funny, some gross, a few nonsensical.

Here are a few of my favorites from the last 5 months or so.

Hog Humpers
BBW videos always get stuck with the absolute worst titles. The most epic of all time is, of course, Fuck My Gut Butt. Which is probably not offensive if you have a gut butt? I’m not sure. But I will say that Hog Humpers leans a little more toward the mean side.

My suggestions for new, kindlier BBW titles: Rubenesque Romps, Zaftig Encounters and Full-Figured Fucks.
Relax, He’s My Step Dad
I will not relax, thank you. This is creepy as hell. And the pruny, bespectacled gentleman pulling down Gracie Glam’s shirt on the cover is skin-crawl inducing.

On a vaguely related note, someday Joey Silvera’s going to make a movie called Tranny Step MILFs. And when that day comes, you can congratulate me because that was my title. I gave him full permission to use it because I know it’s gonna be a huge hit.

Boy Meats Girl series
Har har, get it? He meats her. With his dick! And two more groan-worthy puns:

MILF Has A Body Good and Wish Cum True #1
I’m A Teenage Cum Bucket
I appreciate the use of “cum bucket” as well as the fact that the title is in first person. Emily Rigby could’ve gone with Teenage Cum Buckets, but she clearly wanted to give it a more personal feel.
Slime Ballin’ #1
Seriously? I have no idea what this title even means. The description was tremendously helpful in explaining it though:

Slime Ballin’ reduces sex to the lowest and dirtiest common denominator. Filled with anal sex double penetrations and explicit cum swallowing, Slime Ballin’ is at once the most visually interesting and erotic adult production Toxxxic has released.
Miracle On 69th Street
Beyond the obvious cringe-worthiness of the pun, this hit the site in March. I’m going to leave it at that.
Be The Mask series
Okay, this is more about the concept of the movie than the title persay, but I felt like it belonged on this list.

If you’re not familiar with The Mask, girls get fucked by….guys in Mexican wrestler masks. It may be the stupidest idea for a porn movie that has ever existed. Ever.
Violation Of Hairy First Timer Andrea Kelly
I applaud the descriptive nature of this title. You know exactly what to expect when you watch Violation Of Hairy First Timer Andrea Kelly. I personally think it’s debatable whether her name was meant to be in the title or just situated too closely to it on the box, but I like it best this way.
Slexy #1
There is so much wrong with this.

1. Slexy is not a word. I do realize that the rules for porn are very different from regular English, but fake porn words need to be recognizable. Like Mexicunts.

2. The description indicates that Slexy is short for “slutty and sexy.” I don’t feel like it was necessary to shorten “slutty and sexy,” personally.

3. When I read “Slexy,” I think “Sleestak.”
Girls Handling Cocks
I’m a fan of overly literal translations and I feel like that must be what happened here because this is not a handjob movie.

It’s not a play on words of any kind. The movie is probably called something really sexy in Czech or Hungarian or something.
Cum On Her Chops
I had to go look at whether “chops” was new porn slang that I wasn’t hip to yet. The answer: no. In this context, it’s a synonym for “mouth area.”

Why wasn’t it just called Cum On Her Face? I blame strange translations for this too (even though I have no evidence of this in either case).
Cumvert
You may be saying “Cumvert? C’mon Alison, that’s not that bad.” But I would say to you, “You can’t just slap ‘cum’ at the beginning of any old word.”

I think this resides in the same slop bucket as “slexy” – if it’s not immediately obvious what it means, it’s not a good title.

I thought Girlvert was an equally irritating title, by the way.
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6 Responses to “Best of the Worst Titles Redux”

  1. ropeadope Says:

    Very humorous article Alison. I laughed out loud several times. Love your suggestions for the new kindlier BBW titles. May I offer two more? I submit Bovine Boinks and Potbellied Pokes. Upon second thought, not as kindly as your titles, but not as mean spirited as Hog Humpers. Or are they?

    Surely, you must have crossed paths with Jake Malone before. That’s he, pulling down Gracie Glam’s shirt. Outside of Dirty Harry, who better to have on the cover of a DVD entitled Relax, He’s My Step Dad? Good director and performer (he didn’t direct this title).

    I enjoyed Miracle On 69th Street ever so slightly more than twice as much as Miracle On 34th Street.

  2. alison Says:

    Hey rope,

    Thanks :) I’m not sure your suggested titles are any worse than Hog Humpers…but I don’t think they’re nicer either.

    You know, I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting Jake Malone. I only know him as a faceless director (and in that capacity, I agree he is solid).

    I think in terms of miraculousness, 69th street may have a slight advantage. ;)

  3. Pierre-Luc Says:

    I loled.

  4. bobsipod Says:

    I’d like to see some of the titles Randall ordered in clerks, specifically cumming in socks, to each his own, put it where it doesnt belong, my pipes need cleaning… and happy scrappy hero pup. Leave it to Kevin Smith to illustrate the blunt trauma that is a porn title.

  5. ropeadope Says:

    Alison – Oh, I see. Hold on, I think I’m getting the hang of it. How about Pleasingly Plump Penetrations? A bit gentler and kindlier?

  6. DB Says:

    Alison, this had me yukkin’ it up fo’ REAL. Keeping my fingers crossed for Tranny Step-MILFs #’s 1-23…